Thursday, May 22, 2008

Okay, I've gone bald. And here are a few things I noticed...

1. My head is freakishly round.

2. Right now, my hair style looks like Kuno Becker's from Goal. But unlike him, I'm not gonna play for Newcastle Utd. or Real Madrid. I have decided to captain ManU in 2015, just after I make coupla blockbusters for Dreamworks.

  • A 2 hr animation starring Sridhar and Sigtia in a live-in relationship.

  • One about Nishant, Me, and a door. With an item number called Mere Haathon Mein..., to be performed by me obviously.

  • One about my hacking capabilities. (This one may be a trilogy cause its gonna be long and may involve a 'lot' of special effects)

  • One about Himanshu and his little finger. I'm assuming he has told his parents ki ab to job lagne ke baad hi doctor ko dikhayega.

  • One about Anuj and Gossip Girl. And then a sequel with Desperate Housewives, then with Gilmore Girls, and finally, "Sax(ena) and the City."

  • One about everyone who owes me a treat. (Lakshmy, count yourself twice. You got a double role. And Nishant, you a triple role, roz khilata hoon tujhe to!)
  • A short story (10 mins maybe) about the technological literacy in Jats.

3. I still have that dent in my head. Its like a pot hole where you can store water in summers.

4. Apparently bald people look good in large sunglasses. I look like a bald Shabana Azmi.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Twelve Crazy Men

You know how people do crazy things sometimes? Yeah, that happens a lot in some places. My friends think all things crazy are done by the people from Haryana. Well, most of them actually are. But I've figured out that more than just one crazy race of people. (NOT THE JATS. We are above all that stuff. We are a whole different, but cool level of craziness.)

So anyways, its now almost one year since I got into this college, and these are a few things I have learnt and observed for which only an extraordinary mind like mine can care to write about. There are more, but my extraordinary mind can't remember them now.

Now this may even be my last one, cause a lot of people are going to want to kill me after this...

1. You don't get caught cheating in a test and then try to convince the invigilator to not to cut your marks by saying again and again, " Sir, please sir, career at stake!" SERIOUSLY??

2. When you are being ignored by the girl, you don't ask her, " Why don't you Hi me anymore?".....It was almost too funny to write without spelling mistakes.( And the same goes for any spelling mistake I ever make. I don't care if its in an obituary)

3. When you've got more hair than the Yeti and the Big Foot combined, you don't send forwarded messages to a girl you are interested in, then message her two minutes later asking why she doesn't want to talk to the Loch Ness Monster anymore. And you don't go to meet her with another friend who's a bigger despo than the chair he's sitting on in a place which is less romantic than the wallpaper in my phone( Nokia N73 3.2 megapixel, Lamb Of God wallpaper....You probably already know why I told you about the 3.2).

4. You don't just choose five random girls and start chatting with them on net without anything from either of the girls indicating that they were looking for hairy, pink shirt wearing guys to hook up with. The girls downloading something from your data is "not" a signal to do that unless "someone" has written a program that says so. If someone has, then I gotta hack that shit!

5. The rare, amazing ability to puke without getting drunk is not that good......Oh, this is too good to was Sigtia.

6. When you can bitch all day about people who deserve it, and if you have a lot of those around, maybe its a good idea to make a record label out of it.

7. You don't post gay things on Orkut. And you don't use the word 'dude' too many times. Believe me, "its not good".........And here comes the line.

8. This one's good. This guy is unaware of the existence of the option called 'Open in New Window.' If he had his Orkut Scrapbook open in one window and he wanted Orkut Home in another, he had to open a new window and login in orkut all over again. AND HE IS NOT A "JAT", if that's what comes to your mind right now.

9. If you have some unhealthy outgrowth on your little finger that looks like a large magnified version of your dildo, it is not something you brag about. And showing 'that' to people instead of your middle finger, its "NOT" cool. Really.

10. You don't just start growling when you have nothing to say...that's not even lame.

11. If you haven't had a bath for 4 days there's still no reason to tell that to 15 people at a time. And if there's a girl in the group who hasn't had a bath for 4 days too, believe me, the smell is still coming from only you.

12. Even if the girls in Gossip Girl are hot, its still no excuse to watch it guys.

13. This one was gonna be about Nishant, but I've made enough enemies for one day.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

My Homecoming

I was talking to Sigtia and Nishant* about my first post the other day, and they got me thinking about what if someone from my place read my post. I know that the chances of something like this happening are like one in a million, but I tell ya, roaming around and throwing stones in cow crap can be pretty boring sometimes. And pretty dirty too. But no one cares about that. Its not as if Chanel’s next is going to be "The Jat fragrance", is it?

I just don’t want a hundred Jats just waiting to beat me up at the Delhi airport as soon as I land. And I know for a fact that no one stops Jats. We Jats always have it our way, even in Delhi. You should see the way people look at us. The respect, the feel when you walk with all those eyes knowing what you are, nothing matches it. People can actually somehow sense that a Jat is coming. They just make way for us. Maybe its the smell...but that's only when its me.
Maybe I'll just gift my friends a copy of Spidey 3 in Haryanvi and they'll let me go. They were really pissed when it was released in Bhojpuri and not in Haryanvi. Bhojpuri is just some random words misspelt and put together. Haryanvi is much better, it gives you that feeling to which there're no words. Just imagine Spiderman saying,

"Yo rahyaa thaara dhabbi Spiderman!"

Ok, not cool.
But still a lot better than Bhojpuri. You feel like crying when its time to smile and you are already sleeping when the emotional crap comes. At least in Haryanvi either you laugh off your chair or if you are a Jat you've just come for a gang fight in the hall. Its so much fun to fight in a hall as Mary Jane is saying, "Mannain tere gelyan naa rehna Peter". But the thing is, I seriously have no idea where in the world I'm gonna get the movie in Haryanvi.
Crap! I knew I should’ve hacked Sony Pictures and Marvel Comics rather than wasting my time with the CIA. After becoming Jats they aren’t gonna do any work anyways. Lazy CIA sonofabitches!
After they are done with me (I've yet to figure out how to make it alive), I swear I’ll go back to doing what Jats do best. Swearing, kicking ass, and of course, making fun of, eh, mainly Punjabis (They are like the blondes of Haryana. All the funny jokes, about them. Not you Nishant).

*Nishant wasn't actually a part of the conversation but he wanted his name in or the next time he won’t let me in his room without making me sing "Mere Haathon Mein Naun Naun Chudiyan Hain" to the whole hostel.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The One With the First Post

Ah what the hell, even I have a blog now.
This one's gotta be rare in Haryana. I bet I'm the first Jat to have a blog.
Jats don't do that much. Well, Jats don't do anything much. Except of course, swearing and kicking ass. But that's a part of their charm. They also have a weird perception of technology. They'd work on a computer like they are milking a buffalo. I bet they'd even try to cross breed an HP with a Lenovo.
But then technology was never as interesting as finding out how much a buffalo poops in a day.

So, here I am...
1. The first Jat on Blogger.
2. The first Jat to try to hack into the CIA. They don't know who they messed with. Langley is gonna be a part of Haryana in a coupla years.
3. The first Jat fan of Porcupine Tree and Foo Fighters and not Ragini by Ramchandra Hooda. Damn you Sigtia!
4. The first Jat to get high on just half a pint of beer. How can I go back with my head on my body?
5. I'm also probably the first one to list both Lord Of The Rings and Sandook Mein Bandook as my favorite movies.

So, against all odds, i'm here. I don't know what I'm gonna write over here. Although i got 96/100 in English board exam but i still carry a dictionary in my cellphone. But what the hell, I'll find something, I read books. And other people's phone messages. And their Facebook wall posts. Not my fault, no one posts on my wall!