Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Gunda Raj!!

Nopes, its got nothing to do with what I do in Haryana. That's not Gunda Raj, thats just Jat Raj, whose sole aim is to kick ass of every Punjabi ever born.
This one is about a totally different thing, something which, although could be done in only Haryanvi cinema, but somehow Bollywood managed to do it.
You got it right morons, I'm talkin about the 1998 classic, Gunda!!! Damn, that movie is famous! A coupla days ago NDTV did 15 minutes on the movie! And guess what, its got a 8.4 rating on imdb. There's a fan site, an apparel line, a city in the republic of Buryatia called Gunda, an aussie band called Gunda Guys, and the best one, Gunda Pickle!!

So this one is my interpretation of how the director of the cult classic interpreted the characters in the movie and sought to introduce the everchanging face of India in the 90s in them. (My extraordinary mind used the thesaurus for the last line). And forgive me for comparing them to you guys.

Bulla: His motto is, "Mera naam hai Bulla, rakhta hoon main khullaaaa." While the literalists may interpret this as a declaration that he doesn't wear underwears, the most 'open' minded viewers would agree that Bulla infact represents an 'open' - economy.
BITSian who deserves it all- Sridhar Poojyam! ( I forgot the surname)

Chutiya: Bulla's hermaphrodite brother, who is kept alive through a steady supply of 'London se sex ki goliyan' in hopes that he may one day become a 'mard' represents nothin but the eunuchs, what else.
BITS who deserves the role- Siddharth Sigtia! (Forgive me dude)

Pote: Jo apne baap ke bhi nahin hote, represents those who are illegitimate. Saale kisi bhi baap ke hote to aisi dialogue thode na bolte, "Hum aise lashein bichha denge jaise nanhe munhe bacche ki nunhi se peshaab tapakta hai....tap, tap."

Ibu Hatela: His motto, "Mera naam hai Ibu Hatela, Ma meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ka chela, khaega kela?". He represents the greedy industrialists who want you to suck on their bananas all day.

Shankar: Played by the Tsar of the Gunda Land, Mithun Chakraborty, he is a coolie who works at the airport. He also has an overweight girlfriend, an even fatter sister and a pet monkey who drives a car. His sister is believed to have lowered her BMI when Lambu Atta stretched her to the limits. Or was it Bulla's sister? Who said, "Munni meri behen munni, to tu mar gayi? Lambu ne tujhe lamba kar diya? Maachis ki teeli ko khamba kar diya?"
BITSian who deserves the role- I'm inclined to say Nishant, but I'll go with Nikunj.

Lambu Atta: Jisne achhe achhon ko lamba kiya hai, is a little short of height himself. I just found this dialogue of his on the net, " Bulla! mere ko mat maar. Mere ko aapna bhadwa bana de. Main ladkiyan supply karte rahoonga aur tu maaze lete rahena. Tere ko AIDS se bachane ke liye nirodh ban jayoonga. Towel baanke tere kamad se lapak jayoonga. Mere ko mat maar. Aur agar maarna hi hain to mujhe cheel-chaal ke chakka bana de. Main sari lapet kar tere liye dance karoonga…"
BITSian who deserves the role- Anuj (Sax)ena! (No one can contest that one!!)

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Sorry Shaktiman!

Yeah, that's what you say after you kick someone hard on his ass.

I don't even know why we were fighting. I mean why they were fighting. I was just sitting on the stadium seats occasionally saying 'Sorry Shaktiman' out aloud when Shaktiman yelled a little louder.
I actually truly felt sorry for that guy. First, the newbie came alone. Punjabi amatuer bechara. Jordan and Leel-e-Illahi had the time of their life.
He was actually crying, " Ji main to bas nyun kehen lag rahya tha ke baatcheet te bhi samasya hal ho jaavaigi. Aap to bina baat ke maran laggay!"
Leel stopped. "Yaar ya baat pehle kyun na kahi? Bina baat ke pitgya... Sorry yaar Shaktiman!"

He kicked again...

That big Punjabi fool, instead of dashing out of the stadium, kept on running on that 400m track of the stadium to get away from the guys. Haryana could've won many medals in crappy races if he'd still have legs. We crippled SHAKTIMAN!

Finally, when Shaktiman discovered the magical gate that led out of Narnia and ran away, Jordi was left shouting,

" Re bawlibooch, yo teri bebe ke Sakooty nain ke tera bataeu tha ke le jya ga?"

Seriously, even real Shaktiman couldn't be that entertaining! Even Hooda, dragging his bike on the way back and saying 'Sorry Uncle' innocently to people passing by for his breathtaking speeds couldn't top that!
P.S. Shaktiman's one shoe now hangs on the truck which says 'Phir Milenge' on the back and goes Rohtak-Delhi-Jaipur-Ahemdabad-Mumbai.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The One With the Movies

Though my previous experience at the movies didn't go very well, I've decided to give it another try primarily because this time I'm gonna have a partner. I have secretly promised myself to somehow meet the same guy who was the sole cause of my One Week Depression and shout at him, "In your face!!!! Sucker!"
But before that, my famous extraordianry mind has been careful enough to interpret some things about the movies. I'm thankful to this extraordinary, yet unemployed mind of mine because its because of it that people from "far off lands" come to take my advice on the movies...

1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
(Because if you've got enough money to make a movie, you must be able to buy some Goddamn parking space)
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. (Because then he can work without 'sleeping on duty')
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. (Cause Farah Khan has already been there)
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. (Because I designed them)
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. (Because you chose the 'One On One' among the wide range of options they offer you before a fight)
6. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. (Because opposites attract, and then you can have some sex scenes)
7. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak the native language to each other. (Because not even the French speak french when they are alone)
8. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. ( Any oppurtunities of bloodshed are welcome, even in light comdies)
9. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. (Because burning buildings don't accept Credit Cards)
10. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. (Because the child is unaware of its power........Ok, so is the dinosaur, but it is 65 million years old, it should've known)
11. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. ( Figure that one out yourself and I shall write a post just about you)